Hello You!

Hello You! That’s what I felt like saying to myself today. The most amazing thing happened. All of a sudden it was as though time crossed in the background and my old self finally decided to join this new self.  I don’t know if you’ve ever been through a time in your life that’s left you feeling more like a shell or skeleton of you, but I felt that way for many years now. I’ve been slowly working to remove the things I can in my life that made me feel that way, but the effects sometimes linger as many of you might know. I had to admit that I was a different person, but I knew who I wanted to be. I wanted to be my old self, as much as possible. New stages of life often interfere with things we thought about ourselves, but that doesn’t mean we erase the essence of who we are either.  Since I’ve been working on trying to become the person I want to be (and I’m definitely not there yet, just to be perfectly clear), I didn’t particularly expect much to come of this journey. It’s going for the most part as I expected, instead of as I hoped.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the effect on my psyche. I haven’t felt that I’ve had much to offer the world or anyone. My value has been tied up (thanks to the negative influences of well-meaning people) in my ability to procure money. Quitting my job was the best thing I could ever have done for myself, but I didn’t know that. It’s been stressful like I mentioned earlier, but today…well today is magical. Maybe it’s the full moon, they say it brings out the crazy and I won’t deny the apparent legitimacy of that sentiment…I’ve worked in customer service long enough to know when it’s a week before a full moon just by judging a person’s behavior. This is something I want to hold onto though.

I suddenly saw my potential and it was amazing. I’m scared that I won’t reach anywhere near the limits of it, that I’ll consider myself a failure at the end of my life because I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to or I’ll think of something way more significant that I should have done and didn’t. I remember when I was twenty I made a life goal to live without regrets. My family laughed at me, but when I saw the movie ’13 Going on 30’ and the main character’s Mom said she wouldn’t redo anything, it wasn’t that she hadn’t made mistakes, or been sorry at some point in her life, but she had the wisdom to realize that she was who she was because of those mistakes. I decided to begin this journey after I remembered that goal. I’d left it far behind in the wake of the overwhelming drama life sometimes presents. Now, I think it was a pivotal part of my happiness and contentment regardless of circumstances.  I used to ask myself “am I going to regret this if I don’t do it?” I’m painfully shy sometimes and this was my way of forcing me to branch out and reach beyond myself. Turns out my younger me was a lot smarter than my old me (what? That’s not supposed to happen!).  There’s so much more to life, and I don’t want to wait for it to pass me by as I wave from the sidelines. I’ve been doing that for FAR too long. I’ll have no one to blame but myself if I realize what’s happening and I don’t make changes.

Anyway, I’m currently feeling exceptionally blessed for this little revelation. It’s brought such a sense of peace, though there are still tumultuous things, and much uncertainty surrounding me and my future I’ve found a vital part of my essence that I had thought had evaporated into thin air. I may never get a part of my life back, but missing the destiny I thought I would have back in my twenties has taught me a lot. Now I’m learning that I’m still here, I’m still me, I can still improve. I have enough strength lying dormant to stake my claim on the world. I know you all have this within you too, and hopefully you’ve never lost your essence, but if you’re going through something similar…there really IS hope. It’s not easy to believe, but when you’re least expecting it, it may walk up and shake your hand. There’s a plan, a master plan, and when you think that everything is coincidence…it isn’t. Events are moving you towards a specific point. I hope everyone had a good week, and I truly hope that you have people in your life who can help you see your potential and possibilities, because you deserve it. You are full to the brim with amazing awesomeness!

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